Jodwin Pump-up scripts

Jodwin · **Joined:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm

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Maes · **Joined:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm

Pump-Up Script #7: Shitz in da hood.

So one day Jodwin woke up at 6:00, and after taking a healthy, all natural
bath in a frozen Finska lake \o/ and a healthy, all-traditional Suomi Sauna \o/
while listening to L0rdi \o/, he wished Good Morning to all of his Nyuu Pillows
and Japanese Figurines and proceeded to command his usual temes (bitches) to make
him a manly, traditional, Finnish breakfast with Sisu. All was nice and good for
Jodwin on that morning, as it should be.

However, as he was eating his kickass breakfast, he sensed that something was a bit
off in the air. The corner of the eye caught a glimpse of his 'hood: he had neglected
it for some time due to playing too much Melty Blood \o/ and so things could have gone
out of control...time to set them straight then! So he took his MP3 player with
L0rdi \o/ music and went out on da street to hit da hood, yo.

Jodwin started walking through the hood, heading for the park, where usually all the
troubles started. At first, everything seemed normal...to the untrained eye, but Jodwin
was no rookie, kono amateru ga, and didn't like what he saw. The hood was mysteriously
silent, and few people were around. The only people he stumbled upon was the kid from
PU#2, who he had pwned by saying "JUMALAUTA PERKELE SAATANA!!!". This time, he forced
the kid to say "ola hyvaa" which is very demeaning in Finnish. "Please sir, please,
don't make me say it!" said the kid. "STFU, n00b" said Jodwin. "Say it, or I'll pimp
j00r s0rry @$$, muthafuckah!". And so the kid said "ola hyvaa" with tears in his eyes
and ran to hide under his mom's skirt. How pathetic.

Jodwin continued walking toward the end of the hood, just before the park: a lone figure
was standing at the end of the hood,, on the sidewalk. Jodwin squinted his eyes like Steven
Seagal and growled: that figure was Fred, which had somehow survived his total pwnage from
Pump Up Script #2. He looked like shit, he had lost most of his semen-stained teeth, and was
totally like, t3h sux man. His breath reeked of *used* second hand bootleg perkele "vodka"
from 12 meters away, and stared blankly at the street of Jodwin's hood ahead of him, not even
noticing him. He was drooling, and from time to time let a streak of nervous, twitching laughter.

"HEY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?", yelled Jodwin.

There was no response from Fred, who continued staring blankly at the road ahead of him and
chuckling nervously. He had lost a lot of weight, and his clothes were also a mess. His
russian macho wannabe jacket was all riddled with holes, partially burnt, and upon
approaching him, he smelled like he had never wiped his ass in months.

"HEY, WHAT'S DA MATTER WITH YOU, YOU SORRY MUTHAFUCKAH?" yelled Jodwin again.

Nothing. No response. Nothing. A PASKAL trooper parachuted right behind Fred, took an
abundant combat dump right behind his back and then disappeared.

"OK, WTF?" Said Jodwin. "First my 'hood looks funny, then YOU, and now even PASKAL troopers
think they can just drop in here and take their so-called 'standard issue' paskals!!!
WTF is going on here?"

"I'm glad you asked", said a sneering voice right behind Jodwin.

"Hmmm? Said Jodwin, slowly turning back while enjoying the aural caresses of L0rdi. "Did anyone speak?"

"I did", the ferret-like voice replied. Behind Jodwin, a skinny guy had appeared from a dark alley,
dressed in a silly yellow costume and wearing a blue cape. He was wielding a sort of long cane, and
other figures could be seen hidden in the alley behind him. Suddenly, Jodwin could feel that they
were not alone, and that he was being watched from all around.

"And who the hell are you?" said Jodwin. "Oh let me guess....yellow costume...blue cape...a cane...
you must be one of those so called 'Yellow Bamboo' l0s3r b0gs. Yawn."

A mob of angry whispers could be heard from the alley, but the ceased after a single gesture from the caped guy.

"Your spirit is not pure, and makes you reply in such an angry way. I am the Aryan Yellow Bamboo Grandmaster,
summoned by my students to repair the great injustice and heinous crimes perpetrated by you."

At this point, Jodwin was all like ROFLMAO and l0l and whiskey tango foxtrot, he just couldn't believe his ears.

"Yeah, right. It's not my problem if you guys suxx0rz like, totally man. And what would I have done that you
call a 'crime?'"

Now the angry mob in the alley started yelling:

"He dishonoured us!"
"He insulted us!"
"He doesn't respect the way of Yellow Bamboo!".
"He made us soil our pants! -oops I didn't mean to say that..."

Again, the so-called "grandmaster" raised his hand a bit, and the voices ceased.

"You see, my friend, these are serious accusations. What do you have to say on your defense?"

Jodwin scoffed: "Are you kidding me? I owe you nothing. Your so called 'students' are weak,
ignorant and incontinent n00bs that can't even hold their shit and waste all their time
farting in the park, polluting the air. They are worthy of their fate. A fate of pwnage, bitch."

"I see" said the 'grandmaster'. "Your spirit is troubled, that's why you have all of this hatred inside
you. Forsake your ways, and you will be pardoned."

...."What?" said Jodwin.

"If you forsake your evil ways and join our ways, then you will be forgiven, you will become
one of us. This is Yellow Bamboo's final offer to you, take it or face the consequences."

Jodwin hadn't stopped listening to L0rdi all that time, showing how much he really cared about this bullshit.

"Yeah, whatever", said Jodwin,
"the 'consequences' cannot be worse than becoming a Yellow Bamboo b0g that sux maj0r c0x".

The grandmaster nodded, and saluted Jodwin with a martial arts bend: "So be it. Kakatte Koi!"
he yelled, as a weird gassy aura started forming around him. The aura started smelling funny, like roast nuts.

"What the hell... ?" said Jodwin, as he saw the 'grandmaster' concentrating the "aura" with his hands,
and projecting his hands towards him: "Onara-Ha-Dou-Ken!" he yelled, and the "aura" gasses ignited,
propelling a blue, flaming ball towards Jodwin. Jodwin performed a block move, and the aura got
splattered in a mess of smelly, half-combust flatulence gasses.

"Ewwwww, you threw a flaming fart at me. Is that the Power of Yellow Bamboo? You suck, like, totally man!"

"That's enough!" yelled the grandmaster, as he continues shooting his "chi" balls at Jodwin, who just avoided
them or blocked them with the occasional "JUMALAUTA!". One of those landed on Fred's butt, who hadn't moved
since this whole shit began. Fred's butt was set on fire, and Fred let off a fart that ignited and propelled
him at 300 km/h.

"He's the one that led us to you", said the 'grandmaster', as Fred landed inside the park's pond with his ass
sprouting flames intermittently like a defective rocket. "He's expendable, fuck him", he concluded.

The Yellow Bamboo b0gs started yelling "Use your *heavy* weapons, oh great master! He won't be able to escape those!"

The master then concentrated, his whole body shook, and started moving twice as fast. His hands reached for his
uhm....rear pockets, he yelled "Daiben-Che-Dou-Ken!" and a brown pulsating ball of liquid surrounded by flaming
blue gasses started flying towards Jodwin, who at this time had his back turned at the alley where the cowardly
b0gs were hiding.

"Hmm, something tells me I don't really want to block or hit this one..." he thought, and so performed
a sliding kick under the dreaded projectyle, which crashed on the b0gs, exploding with a wet "SPLASH" sound,
covering them with flaming, smelly shit which turned into burning ammonia that hurt and stinged.

"OH NO!" Said the 'grandmaster', "my beloved disciples have been exposed to the pure, indiluted p0w3r of
y3ll0w bamboo!"

"If you wish to call it that..." said Jodwin, as he sweeped the grandmaster clean off his feet.

The grandmaster landed with a loud "thud" on his butt, quite not fitting for a so-called "martial artist".

Angry, the grandmaster yelled: ATTACK!!!! and the cowardly yellow bamboo b0gs started charging towards Jodwin,
like a bunch of horny bulls.

Jodwin performed a high jump and just let out a barrage of Finnish Insults like
"JUMALAUTA PERKELE SAATANA VITTU PERSE PASKAL PILLU" that fell like bombs on the attacking b0gs,
pwning them badly and making them scream in pimpily pain. Most of them also soiled their pants.

"Get up!" ordered the 'grandmaster', and with a gesture ordered the b0gs to surround Jodwin.
Jodwin however just started spinning like a Zyklon, and cursing with more Finnish insults.
As a result, might rotating blades of Perkele along with ph34rsome whiplashes of "Jumalauta"
sliced through the b0gs, making them whine like CS n00bs pwn3d by a w4ll h4x.

In the mean however, the 'grandmaster', who had recovered from the fall, let an a mighty
battlecry (as mighty as a yellow bamboo battlecry can be), jumped in the air, screamed
"Tatsumaki-Daiben-Kyaku!", spread his legs and started spinning like a helicopter propelling
himself towards Jodwin like a helicopter. Meanwhile, flaming balls of "undiluted yellow bamboo power"
started orbiting around him like unholy satellites, with their number increasing at every spin. Jodwin
however had barely recovered from his mighty rotational attack, and the 'grandmaster' had gotten too
close...the choice was tough. Contact blocking was not an option, not with this shit floating around...
"I got it!" thought Jodwin.

Suddenly, the world around JOdwin seemed to freeze. His vision became negative, and he could actually
see the 'grandmaster's' rotation. Like t3h matr1cks, Jodwin started a Shoo-Ryu-Ken attack, carefully
passing through the 'grandmaster's' rotating legs and avoiding the shitty balls, he emerged on top
of the situation, and screamed a very sloooowed down JUMALAUTA right on the grandmaster's head, while
he continued the jump and started getting out of the way of what was about to happen...

The 'grandmaster' went out of balance and started jerking around in the air like a faulty helicopter,
while the shitty balls were being shot all over the place, exploding and spraying everything around
them with shit. Soon, the surrounding buildings, the park's grass, and the surviving b0gs became
covered in disgusting flaming shit, as the master emitted weird gurgling sounds and started losing
a smelly gas like a perforated Zeppelin, which ingited and made him depart like a deflating baloon,
his destination unknown.

Upon seeing this, the b0gs got so scared that they totally stopped
whatever they were doing, soiled their pants again and went to their mommies.

Jodwin watched them go (he never stopped listening to music at any time during this, didn't
even break a sweat, and didn't have a single spot on him), and sternly declaired:
"Ore-no, Jodwin-sama patthu". The h00d was now his, again.