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 Post subject: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:51 am 
Wannabe LIDL employee
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Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
Jodwin's dream
============

J0dw1n was confused. Usually he was not confused, but in recent times, he was.
J0dw1n could not explain it. By default, he was a man of high integrity,
self-confidence, and security only rivaled by that of an All-American investment
consulting company, run by pointy haired, testosterone-laden top-level managers
with straight teeth and no flaw testicles. Buy low, sell high. Peeing without getting
his hands wet included.

Yet something was not right. He could feel it. It was a vague, remote sense of doubt that
had not assumed any specific form yet, but which deep in his heart he knew he wouldn't
want to see revealed. So J0dw1n decided to take matters into his own hands. He created
a highly complex Doom map, balancing it according to the good old Finnish Frugality Formula,
also known as "four shells for five imps, and if you can't hack it ur a n00b".

Pleased with his "work", he "pwned" some random ass noobs in a game of CS that he was hosting
by sniping them with the AWP, jacked off to some random manga he downloaded off t3h internets
(he made sure that the used his CRT monitor for that, as it was easier to clean off, as every
ero-Otaku knows), and went to bed pleased with himself, "Heh, what a stupid feeling....totally
unlike me. I RULE, man!" and quickly fell into a 1337 sleep.

As soon as he woke up the next morning, he went down the steet to do some 1337 and p1mp gr0ceries
to fuel his creative and competitive oestros, but he noticed that something was a bit off about his
'hood.

-Fuck, could it be Fred again? I pwned that n00b's ass back into b0gl4nd last time! Al0ng w1th
his "yellow bamboo" so-called "friends" that used and dumped him.

But no, it was not Fred.
Not this time.

-*Sigh* please don't tell me that those YB losers are back in business....I honestly can't stand
them anymore. They aren't even a challenge.

But no, it was not the YB losers.
Not this time.

Suddenly, J0dw1n noticed a vaguely familiar figure strolling down his neighborhood with an attitude
as if nothing mattered. That nonchalance, that studly walking, that decisively manly, defiant posture
worth a thousand dump truck drivers....could he be...?!

-M43S?!! But that's impossible! WTF are YOU doing in Finland?

But he received no response. In fact, M43s didn't even seem to notice him.

-Hey, I'm talking to you, here! Who do you think you are, EH!? You're on MY turf, d00d.

But again, M43s didn't seem to notice him.

J0dwin literally unleashed a diclonii attack of JUMALAUTA PERKELEE SAAATANAAAA on M43s f4c3 without
a second thought, only to discover that....no attack came out.

Nothing.

Nil.

Nada.

Zilch.

-...Nani?!...

In fact, while he was starting directly into M43s's eyes, M43s appeared staring behind him,
as if J0dw1n wasn't there at all.

-...that's weird, he thought.

Suddenly however, M34s turned around as a newly introduced character caught his attention.
At first, nothing could be seen, just a sort of blurr running around. By observing carefully,
J0dw1n noticed that it was a tall, blond guy with an icy stare and a big grin, dressed in a
track suit running around, huffing and punching the air. He was hardly sweating from all that
effort, and was actually running circles around Maes, punching the air HARDLY in his general
direction, repeatedly. The guy must have been sprinting like Carl Lewis, for he had run like
20 times around Maes in 1 minute.

J0dw1n thought the the new guy's face looked familiar...and then he suddenly realized: IT WAS HIM.
That guy looked every bit like him, only leaner and meaner and much more athletic. His face
also looked like his, but there was something twisted and harsh about it. Now he noticed
the guy had a big "C" letter sewn on his tracksuit, adorned with stylized trophy cups and medals.
Something was definitively fishy here.

-Hmmmm? Said Maes with the aplomb of someone who had just shot his face off with a bazooka.

Hmpphh!! Hmphhhh!!! HMPPPPH!!! Said the guy.

Maes just made an Italian gesture meaning "WTF is this guy on about?"

The guy kept huffing and groaning like an excited bull

- HMPPPH!!! HMPPPHHH!!!! HMMMMMMPPPPHH!!! I just ran 120 circles around you in 3 minutes!
That's my record!!! How many circles can YOU run? What's your record BTW?!

-The fuck I care, said Maes, and walked on.

The guy insisted:

-This morning, when I woke up, I did 500 pushups in 5 sets of 100 each, and then did another
500! How many pushups do YOU do each morning?

-None of your business, smirked Maes, and went on his way.

The "C" guy kept on rambling:

-Last year I won 6 Decathlon events, 20 competitive CS trophies, and I'm also president
of the university's sports league!!! What did YOU do last year?

Maes raised an eyebrow:

-And who the fuck are you?

-HA!!! You see this? (Shows the big C) I'm COMPETITIVE, baby, COMPETITIVE!!! Everything I
do is about COMPETING!!! EVERYTHING you can do I can do better!!!! My every movement, my every
action is all about being THE BEST and COMPETITIVE!!!!

-Oh really? That includes e.g. doing a chocolate shotgun ? Or snaking?

-Don't try stupid tricks...I mean REAL, GOOD COMPETITIVE EVENTS that people actually CARE FOR.

-Well, there are people who only care about catching a buzz or taking a dump. In their field,
they are unbeatable.

At that point, Jodwin felt insulted. The "C" guy felt like a grotesque mockery of himself, and what
was worse, neither him or Maes seemed to have noticed him.

-Hey, I'm TALKING here!!! He yelled

But that caused no visible reaction from both the C-guy, who kept seeking a challenge from Maes,
and Maes, who kept yawning at the C-guy's face.

-That ain't right...said Jodwin, and tried to grab Maes by the arm...only to discover that he passed
right through him.

-....

Jodwin was petrified.

After moments that felt like ages, he reached for the C-guy instead...but felt uneasy in doing so.

As soon as he touched him, he felt a blinding pain going through him. A cold, icy crystal of extreme,
pimpily pain formed through his body, tearing its every molecule apart.
A red flash of pain.
A blinding white light.
Then silence.

_________________
* The Way of Maes: the whole and only truth. Image RSS Feed
* I play Doomguy's Pimp ventures II at least twice a day :-)
* "It's better to be young, rich, handsome and healthy, than being old, poor, ugly and sick." -Mao Zedong


Last edited by Maes on Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:22 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Profile | Posts: 430 | Location: Greece 
 
 Post subject: Re: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:51 am 
Wannabe LIDL employee
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
* Part 2 *

BADOOOOOOMm BADOOOOOOMMM CLANG CLANG CLANG BADOOOOOM

The rhythmical, metallic noise woke up Jodwin, who opened his eyes in a dark,
noisy, and cramped place. He felt no more pain, only a sense of weight and
stuffedness all over him. He was amazed to discover that he was standing, and
soon, he realized he was in a sort of small transport vehicle, probably an ACP or
a surface lander of sorts, or maybe an elevator cabin.

Around him, there were tiny arrays of blinking lights embedded in spartan, bare
metal walls. The whole space was tiny, no more than 5-6 m^2, with wall benches
protruding from the walls. On the benches, were sitted some guys that looked like
space marines from the future, wearing combined armor-uniforms and carrying what looked
like futuristic laser rifles. Some had their helmets on, while others carried them on
their laps or had let them drop on the vehicle's floor, apparently not caring.

The looks on their faces were extremely weary and tired, as if they had fought through
50 world wars...or maybe none. Only then Jodwin noticed that he was holding such a rifle
too, and he was clad in a full battle armor himself. He had barely felt the helmet he was
wearing.

The small vehilce they were all in was probably taking them to some mission, and the ride
was quite bumpy. Some of his comrades were actually feeling sick and had vomited on the floor,
which luckily was formed by a grille of some sort. Jodwin tried to make out the markings on
the uniforms....but could only make out the initials "R... A... N..." plus a few undecipherable
letters here and there. At least he thought those looked like Latin letters, the alphabet looked
alien and the text on the lone computer screen that was near him also looked alien.

"Where am I?" He thought. "Are we some elite space marine squad being taken on some suicide mission?"

He tried asking the trooper next to him where they were going, but he received no response, only
a blank stare.

He tried looking for particular rank insignia on some of the other guys, maybe there was an officer
or sergeant of sorts that would know for sure who they where...but none in particular stood out.
Then he noticed that it was HIS OWN uniform that stood out. His carried a mark that looked like
a chevron on each arm. Suddenly he realized that for whatever reason HE was the leader of this squad.
Whatever lied ahead, it was HIS responsability to make sure that him and those men of whom he knew nothing
about, survived.

In a moment of frenzied lucidity, just as the vehicle started shaking and visibly decelerating, he started
barking orders, kicking the troopers around, helping some get up...only to be met with reluctance, passivity,
and blank, empty stares "WTF is up with those people?" he thought. "Do they not want to fight? Do they know
something I don't"?

However, those thoughts were soon interrupted by the loud cacophony of metal produced by the vehicle's abrupt
halt on a rought surface. J0dwin almost lost his balance, and was ready to pass out from the deceleration shock
that compressed his spine, when the interior of the vehicle started flashing red and yellow, a hatchdoor literally blew off,
an alarm started sounding, and a mechanical voice started croaking "All Ro***t -Skkkkrzt-Troo -skkkrzzzzzzzzttztzz--
out. Bail out. Bail out." The lander will self destr -sskkkkzkzkzzkz- ..seconds. Three, tw-ssaskkekz- on-

Jodwin leaped out of the lander as fast as he could, trying to see past the curtain of smoke. He just felt a
vague sense of being hit by something, a sharp sense of pain, a flash of light and then everything changed.

_________________
* The Way of Maes: the whole and only truth. Image RSS Feed
* I play Doomguy's Pimp ventures II at least twice a day :-)
* "It's better to be young, rich, handsome and healthy, than being old, poor, ugly and sick." -Mao Zedong


Last edited by Maes on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Profile | Posts: 430 | Location: Greece 
 
 Post subject: Re: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:52 am 
Wannabe LIDL employee
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
* Part 3 *

Jodwin was on the lander again, way before the landing sequence, surrounded by the now familiar environment with a sense of Deja Vu.

-WTF did just happen? Thought J0dwin.
-How come I'm back on the lander?

He tried to ponder the situation...well, at least he knew that he was on a lander, that it was going to
land violently sooner or later, and that he's supposed to rush out...whatever happened last time felt like
a dream but also he had a sense of having committed a mistake.

As soon as he felt the landing sequence commencing again, he held on tighly to the bench, as close as possible to the door.
After the landing shock, he tried to rush as fast as possible out of the lander....only to feel the same sharp pain and blinding
flash of light as soon as he tried leaving his seat. Again, he was on a lander descending on some unknown place....

The third time,he placed another trooper before him, only to see him being vaporized as soon as the door opened.
Even though shocked, this bought Jodwin enough time to leap forward and take a peek of what layed beyong the veil of smoke
that blocked his view of the exterior....he saw a sand/gravel pavement, a large open space that reminded him vaguely...of a stadium?!
and the sounds of a crowd. Soon after, he was again on another lander trying to land.

After about 50 of those landings, Jodwin realized the harsh truth: he and his unfortunate crewmates were
perpetually being deployed in the middle of some sort of arena, where they were killed as soon as they
landed. So quickly in fact, that he never managed to see who did the killing.

"THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!" screamed Jodwin in his helmet's intercom. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS?"

Suddenly, he was transported in a blank void, without a body. Only his mind was somehow aware.

-APOLOGIZE!!! Boomed an invisible voice in a commanding tone.

"Apologize?" Said Jodwin.. "And to whom? For what?"

-HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE DECISIONS OF THE ROCKET ARENA ELDERS!!!!!!

"Damn..." thought Jodwin... "so that's probably what the R.A. initials meant"

-EXACTLY, said the commanding voice.
AND YOU ARE A ROCKET ARENA NOOB.

-...what?! I'm no noob! Whatever sick game you're playing, give me
a fair chance and...

-SILENCE!!! ONLY ROCKET ARENA 1337S AND ELDERS CAN TAKE SUCH DECISIONS!

-What do you mean? Who are these "1337s" and "Elders" ?

-THEY ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE KILLED YOU 50 TIMES, AND WILL KILL YOU 100, 500, 1000 TIMES.

-You mean the ones shooting at the lander as soon at it lands? And with weapons far beyond our
reach? What sort of fucked up game is that?

-SILENCE, SCRUBBY NOOB. IT'S NOT UP TO YOU TO QUESTION THOSE THINGS!!!

The voice now sounded irritated, and several jolts of intense pain somehow
ran through J0dwin, although immaterial.

-But how can anyone ever beat those odds? It's not ever remotely fair!!!

-THE 1337S FIND IT FAIR ENOUGH. YOU'RE GIVEN A WHOLE HALF SECOND OF INVULNERABILITY
TO CLEAR THE SHUTTLE BEFORE THEY START SHOOTING.

-....what?! THAT'S BULLSHIT! THERE IS _NO_ invulnerability!!! Even when I literally
leaped forward in unison with the door I died instantly without seeing a thing!!!!

-THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO DAMN SLOW, NOOB.

-What?! There's no way I ever got a full half second to get out of that craft.

-YES, YOU DID. WE'RE GETTING TIRED OF YOU. BACK TO THE GAME!!!

And then Jodwin was on the shuttle.

_________________
* The Way of Maes: the whole and only truth. Image RSS Feed
* I play Doomguy's Pimp ventures II at least twice a day :-)
* "It's better to be young, rich, handsome and healthy, than being old, poor, ugly and sick." -Mao Zedong


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 Profile | Posts: 430 | Location: Greece 
 
 Post subject: Re: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:52 am 
Wannabe LIDL employee
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
*Part 4*

Trying not to despair, J0dwin clang on to his rifle, and tried to focus all of his energies
into making the leap out of the shuttle and into the arena. If he could at least peek at the
surroundings and look for any cover or enemy locations, he could progressively work his way out
of the shuttle. With time, maybe he could even fire a couple of shots back. Maybe even win, and become
a "1337" himself, who knew.

Invogorated with new hope, he stood ready for the landing...

*thump* he felt the shuttle touching the ground.

*bang ---! ka-woosh* he sensed the hatch eject mechanism propelling the hatchdoor forward.

He had started moving as soon as the door opened, and to his surprise he emerged beyond the smoke
courtain...only to see a rocket coming to his face -OH CRA..... *SPLAT*

Back on the shuttle, Jodwin tried to piece together what he had seen last time...so going forward
was not a good idea...maybe if he could crawl to the side, sort of? Hmm..that might work, he'd
try that next. He actually managed to last a full half second before being splattered by a rocket
exploding near him and -almost- missing him.

Soon, he realized that no matter how hard he tried, there was no way he could leave the proximity
of the shuttle, which was probably being barraged from all around.

By chance, he discovered that the small monitor inside the shuttle actually had a switchable camera
view of the area....and for the first time he realized that they were landing in the middle of a death
trap, where some other troopers in armor and armed with heavy weapons were waiting for them.

-I know what you're thinking -said a voice behind him.

Jodwin turned around, and recognized Maes in one of the troopers!

-WTF..NO U!!!!!

-Yeah yeah, whatever, said M43s puffing a smoke.

-I won't even ask what YOU are doing here.... said J0dwin....

-Uh uh....

Soon enough, the shuttle landed once more. J0dwin tried to bust out once again, while M43s just sat
back smoking his smoke. J0dwin was vaporized in less than 0.5 seconds, while the shuttle self-destroyed after 3.
Soon, they were back on the shuttle.

-Want a smoke? said Maes.

-HELL NO, I WANT TO PWN THOSE NOOBS.

-No Jodwin, in this game you ARE the Noobs.

-NO FUCKING WAY...and even so, I can work my way out of it. Just watch.

-Aha....right.

The next landing wasn't all that different.

Jodwin didn't really like Maes's attitude. In a way, he wasn't surprised that
_Maes_ ended up on the Rocket Arena Noobs shuttle. But why HIM? And why WITH HIM?!

A way worse suspicion started eroding Jodwin's mind and soul like a woodlouse....
could Maes be a spy sent by the Elders/1337s or whatever? What was in it for him?
Could he be hiding something? For the first time, Jodwin felt really empty and
helpless inside, and the black disease of Doubt start eating him from inside out.

-Try as you might, you'll never break out of the shuttle, state Maes.

-..how...how can you be so sure?

-Check out the monitor, dude. We're travelling on Lag Speed 0.4 here. Your
half second of invulnerability is but a joke, and you, my friend, are a
sitting duck.

-NO WAY, ONLY LOSERS SPEAK LIKE THAT!!!! THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO 1337 PLAYERS LIKE ME!!!!

-OK, whatever.

The unthinkable happened, and Jodwin was back into the Shuttle with Maes.

-...how....how long is this going to last?

-Forever. Or until someone quits the game.

-...quitting? You mean it's possi.... errr... I mean, wouldn't that be
like admitting defeat?

-There's no game when playing against an opponent with no goalpost, thus
there can be no victory or defeat. Of all people, you should have realized that,
Jodwin.

-...this...this is a dream right?

-Maybe. Maybe not.

-....who are You?

-What do you mean? -said Jodwin, staring back at Jodwin.

Suddenly, Jodwin woke up in his bed, sweating. It was 4:00 am, and
still dark outside. His b0x was still on, and was playing a Q3Arena demo
in the background -weird, he thought, I don't remember playing that last night.

If that was on while trying to sleep, no doubt I had those nightmares....but then
this means that I didn't really wake up the first time, and that....guy and Maes
didn't really show up. How glad I am about _that_.

Well, I might as well play a competitive map to relax my nerves....heh heh heh

He fired up the multiplayer menu, and filtered servers containing the string "noob"

He quickly browsed through the list, and chose one with a cool looking screenshots and stats.

Heh heh heh...here I come....thought Jodwin.





































The shuttle was going through the usual descent noises.....

_________________
* The Way of Maes: the whole and only truth. Image RSS Feed
* I play Doomguy's Pimp ventures II at least twice a day :-)
* "It's better to be young, rich, handsome and healthy, than being old, poor, ugly and sick." -Mao Zedong


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 Profile | Posts: 430 | Location: Greece 
 
 Post subject: Re: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 4:51 am 
Bundy
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Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
Heh.

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING PLAYING Q3ARENA YOU NOOB?

_________________
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 Profile | Posts: 214 | Location: -The Way West 
 
 Post subject: Re: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 8:52 pm 
Mori no Aki ~ Hisui <3
Mori no Aki ~ Hisui <3

Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
Roscoe wrote:
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING PLAYING Q3ARENA YOU NOOB?

That's Maes' dream.

_________________
//OpenGL ~ Push in to Pop a cherry!
//Nyuu rewrites Mech-Hisui AI in C# for morning exercises
//I have an extra tall avatar because I'm the selfish forum admin
//貴方のパスカルはフアイルです ~~ Your paskal is fail

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 Profile | Posts: 596 | Location: Fennolandia 
 
 Post subject: Re: Jodwin's dream
PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:21 am 
Wannabe LIDL employee
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:46 pm
My good sir, that can't be. The title of the story clearly states that it's Jodwin's dream. Fact.

_________________
* The Way of Maes: the whole and only truth. Image RSS Feed
* I play Doomguy's Pimp ventures II at least twice a day :-)
* "It's better to be young, rich, handsome and healthy, than being old, poor, ugly and sick." -Mao Zedong


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 Profile | Posts: 430 | Location: Greece 
 
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