J0dw1n was confused. Usually he was not confused, but in recent times, he was.
J0dw1n could not explain it. By default, he was a man of high integrity,
self-confidence, and security only rivaled by that of an All-American investment
consulting company, run by pointy haired, testosterone-laden top-level managers
with straight teeth and no flaw testicles. Buy low, sell high. Peeing without getting
his hands wet included.
Yet something was not right. He could feel it. It was a vague, remote sense of doubt that
had not assumed any specific form yet, but which deep in his heart he knew he wouldn't
want to see revealed. So J0dw1n decided to take matters into his own hands. He created
a highly complex Doom map, balancing it according to the good old Finnish Frugality Formula,
also known as "four shells for five imps, and if you can't hack it ur a n00b".
Pleased with his "work", he "pwned" some random ass noobs in a game of CS that he was hosting
by sniping them with the AWP, jacked off to some random manga he downloaded off t3h internets
(he made sure that the used his CRT monitor for that, as it was easier to clean off, as every
ero-Otaku knows), and went to bed pleased with himself, "Heh, what a stupid feeling....totally
unlike me. I RULE, man!" and quickly fell into a 1337 sleep.
As soon as he woke up the next morning, he went down the steet to do some 1337 and p1mp gr0ceries
to fuel his creative and competitive oestros, but he noticed that something was a bit off about his
-Fuck, could it be Fred again? I pwned that n00b's ass back into b0gl4nd last time! Al0ng w1th
his "yellow bamboo" so-called "friends" that used and dumped him.
But no, it was not Fred.
Not this time.
-*Sigh* please don't tell me that those YB losers are back in business....I honestly can't stand
them anymore. They aren't even a challenge.
But no, it was not the YB losers.
Not this time.
Suddenly, J0dw1n noticed a vaguely familiar figure strolling down his neighborhood with an attitude
as if nothing mattered. That nonchalance, that studly walking, that decisively manly, defiant posture
worth a thousand dump truck drivers....could he be...?!
-M43S?!! But that's impossible! WTF are YOU doing in Finland?
But he received no response. In fact, M43s didn't even seem to notice him.
-Hey, I'm talking to you, here! Who do you think you are, EH!? You're on MY turf, d00d.
But again, M43s didn't seem to notice him.
J0dwin literally unleashed a diclonii attack of JUMALAUTA PERKELEE SAAATANAAAA on M43s f4c3 without
a second thought, only to discover that....no attack came out.
In fact, while he was starting directly into M43s's eyes, M43s appeared staring behind him,
as if J0dw1n wasn't there at all.
-...that's weird, he thought.
Suddenly however, M34s turned around as a newly introduced character caught his attention.
At first, nothing could be seen, just a sort of blurr running around. By observing carefully,
J0dw1n noticed that it was a tall, blond guy with an icy stare and a big grin, dressed in a
track suit running around, huffing and punching the air. He was hardly sweating from all that
effort, and was actually running circles around Maes, punching the air HARDLY in his general
direction, repeatedly. The guy must have been sprinting like Carl Lewis, for he had run like
20 times around Maes in 1 minute.
J0dw1n thought the the new guy's face looked familiar...and then he suddenly realized: IT WAS HIM.
That guy looked every bit like him, only leaner and meaner and much more athletic. His face
also looked like his, but there was something twisted and harsh about it. Now he noticed
the guy had a big "C" letter sewn on his tracksuit, adorned with stylized trophy cups and medals.
Something was definitively fishy here.
-Hmmmm? Said Maes with the aplomb of someone who had just shot his face off with a bazooka.
Hmpphh!! Hmphhhh!!! HMPPPPH!!! Said the guy.
Maes just made an Italian gesture meaning "WTF is this guy on about?"
The guy kept huffing and groaning like an excited bull
- HMPPPH!!! HMPPPHHH!!!! HMMMMMMPPPPHH!!! I just ran 120 circles around you in 3 minutes!
That's my record!!! How many circles can YOU run? What's your record BTW?!
-The fuck I care, said Maes, and walked on.
The guy insisted:
-This morning, when I woke up, I did 500 pushups in 5 sets of 100 each, and then did another
500! How many pushups do YOU do each morning?
-None of your business, smirked Maes, and went on his way.
The "C" guy kept on rambling:
-Last year I won 6 Decathlon events, 20 competitive CS trophies, and I'm also president
of the university's sports league!!! What did YOU do last year?
Maes raised an eyebrow:
-And who the fuck are you?
-HA!!! You see this? (Shows the big C) I'm COMPETITIVE, baby, COMPETITIVE!!! Everything I
do is about COMPETING!!! EVERYTHING you can do I can do better!!!! My every movement, my every
action is all about being THE BEST and COMPETITIVE!!!!
-Oh really? That includes e.g. doing a chocolate shotgun ? Or snaking?
-Don't try stupid tricks...I mean REAL, GOOD COMPETITIVE EVENTS that people actually CARE FOR.
-Well, there are people who only care about catching a buzz or taking a dump. In their field,
they are unbeatable.
At that point, Jodwin felt insulted. The "C" guy felt like a grotesque mockery of himself, and what
was worse, neither him or Maes seemed to have noticed him.
-Hey, I'm TALKING here!!! He yelled
But that caused no visible reaction from both the C-guy, who kept seeking a challenge from Maes,
and Maes, who kept yawning at the C-guy's face.
-That ain't right...said Jodwin, and tried to grab Maes by the arm...only to discover that he passed
right through him.
Jodwin was petrified.
After moments that felt like ages, he reached for the C-guy instead...but felt uneasy in doing so.
As soon as he touched him, he felt a blinding pain going through him. A cold, icy crystal of extreme,
pimpily pain formed through his body, tearing its every molecule apart.
A red flash of pain.
A blinding white light.
* The Way of Maes: the whole and only truth. RSS Feed
* I play Doomguy's Pimp ventures II at least twice a day :-)
* "It's better to be young, rich, handsome and healthy, than being old, poor, ugly and sick." -Mao Zedong
Last edited by Maes on Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:22 am, edited 2 times in total.